002 - A letter to love and letting go

My god, as self aware as I am. As much as I “know better"... I still fall into the traps of codependency and control issues.

I waited 23 years for a taste of love and it ignited everything I thought I couldn't feel. It was like I was floating, the only thing grounding me was my fear of it being over...clinging onto my happiness for dear life. Still, I had fun-I felt really beautiful for the first time and finally had someone I could be deep and weird with.

I wanted a love I could learn and grow with and got just that...in its illumination of our flaws, in its reflection of my shadows and of my fears-it was imperfect. Much like life in general.

It was almost comical to find a person who’s bubble merged with mine so easily in a package I’d never expect to actually like me back.

Now, a year after I kicked the first domino-I’m still struggling to let him go.

If I could go back I’d have just told you the truth and let you break my heart, at least I’d have closure.

I wasn’t even looking for you, till I found you, now I don’t want a future without you.

I would rather let you destroy me than leave me but in your absence,I found a love for myself that life took from me so long ago…

Now I love me so much I can’t let you hurt me. I have to let this go to give you space to grow, an opportunity to transform your life- even if that means we’ll never be again. Because let’s be honest-we can’t be just friends.

I know you hate the emotional stuff so I’ll never send this to you but just want you to know

I love you enough for the both of us, and I always will.

I’ll let this comfort me in the times I’m sad and missing your beard, the way you looked down at me, the way my head fit on your chest, your perfect teeth and sarcastic laugh.

I will not look for you in others, nor compare my future to the vision of ours I saw in my dreams. I’m writing this to set you free from my energy. ❤️