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  • Writer's pictureBeth

I’ve been taking myself for granted. & the blessing of convalescence.

So I spent the least 2 years dealing and healing a past situation-ship. I was so fucking triggered every-time I saw something about learning to “love yourself” etc.

I’m a late bloomer, never had a real ‘hoe phase’ and at the young-old age of 26, I’ve never had a boyfriend.

I’ve spent MORE than enough time ‘finding myself’ and honestly it just helped me find someone who was just as fucked up as I was.

In reality, I was overlooking my own friendship. Maybe because I was so used to always being there for myself...Never taking a moment to appreciate myself for all I’ve stood by me through and kept myself going through. Yes, I’ve been averse to opening up to people and hyper aware of being judged, yes I’ve struggled with people pleasing and valuing others over my own company simply because I’m used to it. Yes I’ve always had to be there for myself, cause no one else was- but that’s an achievement! How many abandon their true selves for the chance at validation, love & money? How many live in denial to maintain these things? I have always had my own back and it’s time to start appreciating myself for that. Actively loving the person I’ve been and will be. ————

I had my first clinic today, and we spoke about making time for quality time with yourself. I mentioned the need to be aggressive about your time, and how just ‘resting’ doesn’t always make you feel rested. A bath won’t do me any good if my mind is still racing. A walk won’t help me appreciate life if I’m too depressed to care about the ‘bigger picture’.

I realised how fucking lucky I am to live in a situation where I have minimal responsibility, and I’m vividly aware of how much time I can dedicate to myself and well-being. Why am I afraid of being selfish as if these aren’t my years to do so?! Why do I guilt myself into caring so fucking much about everything going right? When do I give myself permission to feel okay with my life being okay. I also realised I don’t know what to do actually soothe myself, like I usually just overthink till my brain gets tired or forgets the trigger then pick up the peices but how ridiculous is that?! And at my big age, how do I not not what (aside from corgis, big hugs and food) actually makes me feel better. There’s still so much work to do.

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