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  • Writer's pictureBeth

Looking back to move forward

The only constant is change, when I let go of control over the direction and expectation of the path my life will follow, I put my trust in the universe to turn out the way I intend.

I don’t think I ever realised how much of a control freak I was, because my upbringing made it second nature to me. Watching and observing in order to “know“ peoples moods, responses, intentions in order to determine their actions was the way to stay out of harm.

When you as a child are blamed for your own harm at the hands of another(adult) you internalise the need to control others in order to balance your internal sense of self.

It wasn’t until midway through 25 I realised how much of others opinions I was taking in as fact about me. Though I always wanted people to like me, I never cared about being popular or fitting in.

The good thing about being painfully self aware from a young age is you realise everyone’s just trying to be liked by other people who are trying to be liked.

I just wanted people to like me so they wouldn’t cause me harm.

I’m getting familiar with my intuition and realising my growth is showing through my peace of mind- REGARDLESS of what’s going on with people externally. I though I was shit at meditation and couldn’t feel energy because I didn’t understand I process it differently, I’m an air sign with earth rising I understand through seeing, thinking and stillness.

Trying to find freedom through maintaining my thoughts and energy rather than finding freedom in giving it away. What I thought was freedom was just me detaching from my needs and wants, ignoring myself like I expected the world to.

Healing this helped me begin to heal my codependency because I realised I was using how people treated me as a key of how to treat them. They don’t like me, don’t acknowledge my thoughts or feelings repeatedly do things to hurt me then that must mean I need to be nicer to them, so they can stop hurting me.

This is what I was told everytime I’d complain to my mum “oh well if you weren’t being then they wouldn’t have” everyone got to project their negativity onto me and I just had to hold that.

I got really good at it too, and so I thought that’s what love was-me holding everyone’s negativity, mistreatment in exchange for tolerance. Doing all of that in the hope that one day they’d turn around and tell me they appreciated me, that they cared? idk.

I learnt I’m not afraid of conflict I just got tired of being the only one fighting for myself before I could even know who I was.

I realised I don’t need to know how people feel about me to feel secure and confident in myself and my actions. Not knowing people’s feelings about my behaviour was the shock because they’d use it as an excuse to treat me badly. But that’s a reflection of themselves, not me. And it never was.

It’s a toxic cycle, one that’s easy to mistake for empathy if you have a big heart.

Growth feels slow till you’re done. Then it’s almost like overnight you’ve evolved, you wake up with fresh eyes and an eagerness to go on another voyage towards your highest self.

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